Now you guys have really got me foncused and bass-ackwards! I thought that being from that side, everybody would really be into the bagpipes. Now, here I am on this side of the pond, and I've always loved the sound of them pipes, and it's you who are making fun of them. Hmmmmmmmmm, ..... go figure.

One of these days I'm gonna make a song called the"Bagpipe Rock" or something along that line!

Here's a few more!

How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
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At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!"

The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight."

The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
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Lute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
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How do you get two piccolos to play in unison?
Shoot one.
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Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
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Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
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What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
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What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
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What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.
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What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
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What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?

1. Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.
2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
3. The grip.
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Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That 'big red accordion' is the radiator."
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What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
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What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
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What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
Ladies in Pain

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A tattoo.
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What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
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What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
The Defendant.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
Saliva.
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What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
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What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
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Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
It saves time in the long run.
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What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
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What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
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What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by trombone solos.
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What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
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Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
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What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
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What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
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Why do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
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How does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.

A woman whose husband is a drummer is chatting to her friend.

'Wombat came home last night but he's gone again'

'Why do you call him Wombat' queried the friend?

'Because he eats roots and leaves'

Well, not strictly a musician joke, but being as the Lone Ranger and Tonto feature prominently on here, I thought this one would be okay to tell.

Out on the trail one day, looking for the bad guys as ever, the Lone Ranger tells Tonto to ride up ahead a ways to see what he can find out. Twenty minutes later as the Lone Ranger rounds a bend in the trail he sees Tonto down on his knees with his ear to the ground.

Reaching the spot, Tonto says, "Buckboard, two horses, two bandidos, one with gold silk bandanna."

"Wow," replies the Lone Ranger, "how can you tell that much just by holding your ear to the ground?"

Tonto replies, "Well, they just ran over my goddamn head!!"

Interviewer: Can you explain Jazz?

Yogi: I can't, but I will. 90% of all Jazz is half improvisation. The other half is the part people play while others are playing something they never played with anyone who played that part. So if you play the wrong part, its right. If you play the right part, it might be right if you play it wrong enough. But if you play it too right, it's wrong.

Interviewer: I don't understand.

Yogi: Anyone who understands Jazz knows that you can't understand it. It's too complicated. That's what's so simple about it.

Interviewer: Do you understand it?

Yogi: No. That's why I can explain it. If I understood it, I wouldn't know anything about it.

Interviewer: Are there any great Jazz player alive today?

Yogi: No. All the great Jazz players alive today are dead. Except for the ones that are still alive. But so many of them are dead, that the ones that are still alive are dying to be like the ones that are dead.

Interviewer: What is syncopation?

Yogi: That's when the note that you should hear now happens either before or after you hear it. In Jazz, you don't hear notes when they happen because that would be some other type of music. Other types of music can be Jazz, but only if they're the same as something different from those other kinds.

Interviewer: Now I really don't understand.

Yogi: I haven't taught you enough for you to not understand Jazz that well.

Like it, very well explained!!

Loads of them here
Instrument Jokes