Q. What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A. The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q. Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
A. They've had so little use.

Q. Why is a conductor like a condom?
A. It's safer with one, but more fun without.

Q. What's the difference between God and a conductor?
A. God knows He's not a conductor.

Q. What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q. What's a bassoon good for?
A. Kindling for an accordion fire.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Q. What's a guy that hangs out with musicians called?
A. A drummer.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer is sitting up straight?
A. He dribbles out of both sides of his mouth!

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A. You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q. Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A. Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A. He doesn't know when to come in.

Q. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A. "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q. How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What is the range of a piccolo?
A. Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
A. When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.

Q. What's the difference between a pizza and a drummer?
A. A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. If a drummer and a bass guitarist caught a cab, which one would be the musician?
A. The cab driver.

Q. Why are so many violists dating drummers?
A. It makes them feel superior.

Q. What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?
A. One cuts grass and the other smokes it.

Q. What would you do if you had all the bagpipe players on earth lined up end-to-end to the moon and back?
A. Leave them there.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Which is better: electric guitar or harmonica?
A. Electric guitar. You can't beat a harmonica player to death with a harmonica.

Q. What do violists and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. They both are hard on ears.

Q. Why is intermission only 20 minutes long?
A. So that the cellists don't have to be retrained.

Q. Why are harps like elderly parents?
A. They're both unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"

Q.What's brown and sits on a piano stool
A. Beethovens first movement

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting
a little practice in before the final exams.

He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He
removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a
cork in the corpse’s rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he
pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On
the road again... Just can’t wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum.

The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the
Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the
examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can’t wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed
with the student’s discovery.

"But isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?" asked
the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any arsehole can sing
country music!"

What's the difference between a Blues band and a bull?


The bull has the horns up front and the arsehole in the back.

What has three legs and an arsehole on top?



A drum stool

Why does Stevie Wonder shake his head when he sings?
Because he can’t find the microphone.

Whats 60 feet long, 40 feet wide and incontinent??. The first 7 rows at a Cliff Richard concert

Here's an old one.

Q How do you make a drummer slow down?
A Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q How do you make a drummer stop?
A Turn it the right way up.

Nothing musical ..but topical ????




The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.. After they got their

tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look

towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'



'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it

tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to

be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord

is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it

seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo sh--. It means someone stole the tent..'