Hi guys

Any good musician jokes out there?

Here's one to kick off ...

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Hi Will and Andy, both very good, Here's one that's as old as the hills,

The orchestra was rehearsing a well known classical piece, when the conductor tapped his baton on the stand and said STOP
He pointed to the lady cellist and said, you have one of God's greatest gifts between your legs, and all you can do is scratch it


Hope I dont get thrown out...Pam

Q: How do you know it's the drummer knocking at your door?
A: The knock gets faster and faster.


Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand

Maybe not a musician joke but it has a musical connection.
A guy , instead of having a hole on the end of his **** was born with a lot of holes along it and it was very embarrasing when he went to a public toilet because he used to soak everyone round him. He went to a surgeon who told him although he couldn't help him he would send him to a man who could. The guy said "Is he a specialist surgeon?" "No" he replied " He's a piccollo player - he'll show you how to hold it"

2 Gordies are walking in the jungle and they hear some drums "Are they war drums?" one asked. The other replied "No they're theirs"


Apologies to those across the pond who might not know the Gordie accent

2 little elderly women had stopped into a bar for the first time in ages. Listening to the piano player, one of the ladies noticed he kept a monkey with him on the piano.

Well, unbeknownst to the piano player, (who was feeling slightly tipsy by now), the monkey was hanging himself from the top of the piano and swishing his testicles in the piano players beer which had been set on the lower edge. He was obviously enjoying that.

One of the little old ladies said, "Oh my gosh Mabel, ... look at that! Someone should tell him!" Mabel said, "Not me Martha, ... You go tell him!"

Well, reluctantly, Martha whispered in the piano players ear as he played. "Sir, ..... do you know that monkeys testicles are in your beer?"

The piano player kept playing and calmly said, ... "No ma'am, ... but if you hum it, I can play it!!!

Good ones guys.

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNeil from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

A moving target is harder to hit

Spike